The Rhinestone

An outcry of frustration and confusion was heard across the state yesterday as newly-enacted “Voter ID” laws left hundreds of Tennesseans unable to forget about the August 2nd election. “It’s my God-given and constitutional right to not give a damn about Party Primary elections” said Franklin Baynard, a retired-plumber from Madison.  “At this point in … Continue reading →

During a press event to kick off the celebration of Metropolitan Davidson County Government’s 50th Anniversary, Mayor Karl Dean reunited with the four living Metro Mayors today to announce the release of a new album and upcoming tour. “The wait is over.  We’re putting the band back together” declared Dean to great applause and commotion.  Mayor Dean … Continue reading →

Despite many weeks of media pressure and public speculation, former Saturday Night Live performer Joe Piscopo declared today that he has yet to decide whom he will endorse for Tennessee’s Sixth District Congressional Seat this fall. “I won’t let other people rush me on this” said Piscopo today during a luncheon with former Governor Phil … Continue reading →

The city of Nashville returned from the Bonnaroo music festival Monday, only to find that the city of Branson, MO had “left the place a f**king wreck” during the Music City’s absence. “We just asked Branson to housesit for us while we were away, that’s all” said Nashville this morning. “It’s not like we can … Continue reading →

Tomorrow night, the Metro Council will consider Resolution 2012-PR27-Q, which would officially make Puerto Rico the 51st Avenue inNashville. “It’s high time for Puerto Rico to take its rightful place” decalred Metro Council “At-Large” member Harold Dixon, who authored and will introduce the measure.  “For too long, our Puerto Rican brothers and sisters have been … Continue reading →

The death toll continues to rise in Murfreesboro as local senior citizens starve due to the closure of their primary food source, the “City Café” restaurant. “It’s tragic, truly heartbreaking” noted TWRA spokesperson Charles Parsons.  “When a species loses one of its primary food sources, it can take generations for the population to adapt.  Most … Continue reading →

In an act which has startled and confused pundits and watchdogs, Governor Bill Haslam chose to exercise exceptional Gubernatorial privilege when he vetoed his dinner bill at an area O’Charley’s restaurant Monday. “This action was completely in line with the Governor’s beliefs on personal responsibility and self-determination” read a statement released by Haslam’s office early … Continue reading →

Runner Wilson Barrett, 40, was hospitalized Saturday following the Country Music Marathon when he overanalyzed the philosophical implications of such events and became severely depressed. “I realized that, ultimately, all I’m doing is running in one gigantic circle” explained Barrett.  “It’s not like we’re really accomplishing anything, you know?  You start running, you go 26.2 miles, … Continue reading →

Accusations and denials are flying on Capitol Hill today as an independent investigation by The Rhinestone has uncovered thatTennesseelawmakers have been using “ghost-runners” in softball tournaments against the legislatures of other states. “There’s absolutely nothing wrong with it, it’s an extremely common practice” noted Rep. Jameson Hershfeld, a member of the TN House of Representatives … Continue reading →