The city of Nashville returned from the Bonnaroo music festival Monday, only to find that the city of Branson, MO had “left the place a f**king wreck” during the Music City’s absence.
“We just asked Branson to housesit for us while we were away, that’s all” said Nashville this morning. “It’s not like we can get away all that often, so to come home and find that the housesitter threw a massive, weekend-long houseparty like this…. It’s just really, really aggravating.”
For the last four days, the city of Nashville has been attending the Bonnaroo Music & Arts Festival, an hour away in Manchester, seeing an eclectic mix of artists such as Phish, Ben Folds Five, Sharon Jones and the Dap Kings, The Civil Wars, Alice Cooper, Feist, The Beach Boys, The Avett Brothers, Rodrigo y Gabriella, Flogging Molly, Colin Hay, and Fitz and The Tantrums amongst others. During its absence, Nashville left its home in the care of Branson, a Southwest-Missouri tourist-town widely regarded as where Nashville’s performers go live out the rest of their careers after they have passed their prime.
While housesitting for Nashville over the weekend, it is reported that Branson threw a massive party; the event, given the dubious moniker of CMA Fest 2012, was attended by an estimated 71,000 country music fans. Nashville learned of the soiree upon returning home Monday morning. “Those people left the place a f**king wreck” said Nashville. “There were red Solo cups everywhere on the ground, somebody left a gigantic stain down the side of the L&C Tower, the Cumberland is even dirtier if that’s at all possible, and the City of Branson was passed out on the lawn in front of Musica cuddled up with John Rich! At one point, I actually thought someone had stolen the Gulch until I found it a few hours later, shoved under a sofa cushion and covered in autographs.”
The City of Nashville is understandably upset about this disruptive celebration, but says it is equally angry at Kenny Rogers, who attended both events. “He was there with us at Bonnaroo, and he could have at least told us – given us a heads up – that he just came from some massive country-music-orgy back at our place, but I guess getting the keys to Manchester left him a little distracted. Jerk. Some friend he is.”
The Rhinestone 
Oh my gosh.