Gov. Haslam Heightens Security Upon Seeing Lt. Gov. Ramsey Handling Fireworks

After seeing Lieutenant Governor Ron Ramsey carrying “a very large bag of fireworks” through the halls of the state capitol, Governor Bill Haslam has ordered capitol security teams to high alert and put emergency medical teams on standby.  Aides within the administration’s office note that the Governor’s actions are merely a precaution.

ramsey fireworks

“According to the TBI, Senator Ramsey only has fireworks thus far and doesn’t yet have any means of lighting them,” explained aide Andrew Fisher, “so that’s a good thing.  It’s not an emergency yet, per se.  We just feel that extra precautions should be taken anytime Ron gets his hands on something flammable and/or explosive, because … well, let’s face it, he’s just not mentally mature enough to properly handle them and shouldn’t ever be given such things.  He’d never do anything malicious with them, mind you, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t likely going to hurt himself or anyone else careless enough to come near him.  God help us, if someone is idiotic enough to give him a lighter or some matches, we’ll be ready to intervene or offer medical attention.  In the meantime, though, the Governor doesn’t see any harm in letting the Senator just carry the bag of fireworks around; it doesn’t pose any immediate threat and seems to make him happy.”

Speaker of the State House Beth Harwell, however, does not share Gov. Haslam’s attitude of cautious optimism.  “Keeping hazardous materials out of Ron’s hands should always be a top priority,” noted Harwell, “and I am greatly dismayed at the Governor’s lack of proactive response to the situation.  I’m going to call for an exploratory committee that will determine how this was allowed to happen in the first place, and what we can do in the future to prevent it from ever happening again.  In the meantime, I just pray that nothing comes of this.”

Meanwhile, Lt. Gov. Ramsey was quick to enthuse to Rhinestone reporters about his purchases.  Pulling several items from a brown paper grocery bag, the sixty-year-old Republican from Blountville held aloft a series of roman candles, cascading fountains, whistling rockets, and reloadable mortars.  Too enthralled to wax poetic, Sen. Ramsey merely grinned at each item, occasionally laughing or saying “These make big booms!  So pretty.”


Happy 4th of July from The Rhinestone.  Have a fun and safe holiday, y’all!


Photo of hallway found at  Photo of Gov. Haslam found at  Photo of Lt. Gov. Ramsey found at  Photo of fireworks found at

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