Area Churchgoers Preparing to Not Recognize Each Other in Grocery Store Wine Aisles

With wine sales beginning at grocery stores throughout the state today, members of the Apostle’s Word Church of Christ in Donelson say they are fully-prepared to pretend they don’t recognize one another at super markets while making wine purchases.


“It’ll be a bit of an adjustment, sure” noted Apostle’s Word CoC pastor Jerry Smithead, being interviewed in the frozen foods section of a Donelson supermarket, “but I’m confident that my congregation can adapt.  They all have years of experience ignoring one another in liquor stores already; just last week, as I wasn’t buying a bottle of Bulleit Bourbon, I didn’t remotely see the head of our Sunday School program, Paul Timothy, picking up a bottle of Pinot Grigio for himself and his wife, nor did he see me.  That exact same skill set will be involved now, just adding a change of venue, and it won’t take but a moment for our flock to make the adjustment.  Why just now, I was so wrapped up in looking at the nutrition information on my frozen dinner that I didn’t see Angelina Franks picking up a bottle of red sinner-juice at all.  It was easy!  And moments later, I absolutely didn’t recognize the Wilson family doing a remarkable job of hiding their potable affront-to-scripture in the bottom of their cart, under some fine cheese that will probably pair quite well with said bottle that I never suspected was there.  Basically, we’re all old pros at this!”

Sarah Lesterson, manager of the Donelson Piggly Wiggly, notes that her employees have received extra training to handle the special customer needs in these situations.  “Our cashiers have been shown what body language to watch for so that they can be ready to avoid eye contact at a moment’s notice.  Also, whenever a customer has a religious conflict with admitting to their purchase, we’ve programmed the registers to ring up wine as bottled water instead.  If a church deacon or elder ever wants to confront a parishioner about the wine they bought, they only have to show them the receipt and claim it was a miracle.  Bam, instant plausible deniability.”

In related news, East Nashville’s own Our Lady of the Blessed Hangover Catholic Church and the Twelfth United Methodist Church will be co-hosting a block party/fish fry Friday night in front of the Kroger on Gallatin Pike.  No, not that one; the other one.


Grocery Store picture found at,_Carcassonne_(3998305191).jpg.

18 thoughts on “Area Churchgoers Preparing to Not Recognize Each Other in Grocery Store Wine Aisles

  1. It’s the BAPTIST brethren that will have trouble with this. Everyone needs to listen to Jeannie Robertson’s clip about the Grand Canyon Rafting trip.

  2. Pingback: Area Churchgoers Preparing to Not Recognize Each Other in Grocery Store Wine Aisles – missing Nashville | Cornerstone Church Guide

    • Same thing I was thinking, those who were wed that day were pretty lucky Jesus stopped by and noticed they ran out, no handy grocery stores there to pick up more wine when you have someone like Jesus around. Something tells me he approves. lol, Also, don’t forget the last supper.

  3. “for him and his wife” not “for he and his wife”
    Object of the preposition “for” requires objective case pronoun. Otherwise a brilliant piece of writing.

  4. What a disgusting article, make light of this situation. It’s a sad world we live in now. Praying you will meet Jesus, and you will begin a relationship with him. He will change your life.

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