The Rhinestone

Thousands of Nashville-area motorists were reportedly surprised, concerned, offended, and otherwise taken-aback today when the city’s typically affable system of electronic interstate message signs turned taciturn and occasionally abusive, informing drivers that it just couldn’t even anymore.

“What the everloving f**k, folks?  Can we please get through just one damn day without a wreck totally jacking up I-24?!  #Realtalk” read one message broadcast early this morning across the approximately 50+ “Dynamic Message Signs” found throughout the Nashville area’s interstate roadways.  Other messages soon followed, including “Why do I even bother telling you people anything?  It’s like I’m Sisyphus and all of you are my rock!” and “I’m so done with this, man.  I wish I could go back to being a Lite-Brite.  Those were the days.”  Motorists along I-65 Northbound were particularly nonplussed when an advisement reading “Did you even consider using Nolensville Rd?  Like, at all?” was quickly replaced with the alternate message “JK.  It’s gridlocked, too.  Suckers.”

“Frankly, we don’t know what’s gotten into the signs” explained TDOT spokesman Jeffrey Redbone.  “This behavior is totally unacceptable, and I want to assure Nashville drivers that these are not officially-approved TDOT messages, nor are they the result of any sort of user-error.  The signs alone have taken it upon themselves to be so disagreeable, and we sincerely apologize for any duress it has caused local residents.  While we can’t deny the truth of what the Dynamic Message Signs are saying, we do certainly consider it to be abominably uncouth, to say the least.”

Some commuters expressed sympathy and support for the interstate signs, saying they hardly feel surprised at the new development.  “It’s gotta be hard being a Nashville sign, ya’ know?” noted Fred, an accountant from Murfreesboro.  “What with having to give people bad news about wrecks ahead all the time, and always having those fatality statistics flashing up there, it’s no wonder the signs would feel down about their lot in life.  Heck, I’d get fed up, too.”

TDOT refused to confirm whether or not any of the other 100+ Dynamic Message Signs across the state were behaving in a similar fashion, though a motorist in Memphis did post a picture to social media of one sign reading “I could really go for some Leonard’s right now.  Anyone wanna help a sign out?”  Meanwhile, Music City’s electronic signs have been entirely devoid of words since ending their hours-long existential tirade with a final message of “SMH.  I literally can’t even right now.  Deuces, y’all.”

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Picture of Dynamic Message Sign found at http://nashvillepublicradio.org/post/who-writes-those-pithy-tdot-highway-signs-it-could-be-you#stream/0.