The Rhinestone

Speaking at a joint press conference this morning, a coalition of area medical professionals expressed concern over what they referred to as “near-epidemic-levels” of reported Belcourt Withdrawal symptoms among Nashvillians recently.

“This is an issue which we’ve been tracking carefully, and the statistics are profoundly disturbing” explained Dr. Farukh Sansombath of St. Thomas Midtown.  “There’s always a certain amount of Belcourt Withdrawal to be found, but it’s usually contained to only a small percentage of the population.  Typically, it’s a condition experienced amongst those who travel frequently or are highly overworked and have no leisure time.  Since late December, however, reports of Belcourt Withdrawal cases have been steadily on the rise, and it is spreading across every cross-section of our community.  Something must be done to stem the tide soon, before the entire city begins to suffer.”

Dr. Cecily Winthrop of Tri-Star Skyline Medical Center explained how to recognize if someone you know may be experiencing Belcourt Withdrawal.  “BW sufferers may exhibit one or several of the following symptoms: mood swings, depression, bouts of impatience, sudden cravings for ‘really GOOD popcorn’, uncontrollable fits of buying Criterion Collection DVDs, marathons of obscure foreign and/or indie films, a new-found obsession with Turner Classic Movies, mild dizziness or disorientation, and/or a compulsion to say the word ‘repertory’.  If you have noticed a friend, co-worker, or loved one displaying any of these symptoms, encourage them to seek medical attention or a Netflix account immediately.”

Doctors speculate the genesis of the rapidly-spreading infirmity to be the temporary closure of the Belcourt Theatre, a 91-year-old independent cinema which is currently closed for much-needed renovations and plans to reopen this summer.  In the intervening months, doctors estimate that the number of confirmed Belcourt Withdrawal cases has risen by over 350%.  “It’s just awful to see people going through this,” noted Dr. Wilma Estes of Vanderbilt Medical Center.  “You see these people come in, begging for us to give them something, anything that will ease their suffering.  The other day, I found a man in The Great Escape who had apparently not left their used DVD section in over 3 days.  He was dehydrated, breathing heavy, and could only manage to utter the word ‘Jodorowsky’ a few times before he fainted.  And that was just a mild case.”

Rising to meet the challenges posed by this new epidemic, community members have begun to form support groups for BW sufferers.  Caroline Grinham of the recently-formed “Belcourt Withdrawal Society” says that their organization is doing all it can to ease the pain of their afflicted friends and neighbors.  “BW is a quiet-but-agonizing condition, and we are currently striving to help whenever and however possible.  Our group has an online support presence, and we’re also currently in the planning stages of creating a free clinic; once open, the clinic will dispense mild doses of buttered popcorn and offer treatment in the form of round-the-clock showings of The Umbrellas of Cherbourg, Beasts of the Southern Wild, and the early works of David Lynch.  Of course, none of this will ultimately end Belcourt Withdrawal; our goal is to simply ameliorate the symptoms until a cure can be found.”  Grinham refused to confirm rampant speculation about a rumored Belcourt Withdrawal telethon, but did comment that “it would be pretty awesome.”