Mayor-Elect Megan Berry called upon the Metro Nashville Police Department today to assemble a task force aimed at stopping the rising violence in an escalating turf war between Music City’s two biggest rival gangs, the Peddle Taverns and the Golf Karts.
“This cannot continue in our fair city” noted Berry in a press release from the Mayor-Elect’s office. “Tourists come to Nashville for country music and honky tonks, not to dodge the crossfire of gangland style violence between warring factions of non-traditional vehicles. Our police force has to step up and end this blight now before any more vehicles are senselessly killed.”
So far in 2015, over 30 deadly attacks have been attributed to the hostilities between the Peddle Taverns and Golf Karts. Peddle Taverns, a tourist attraction which allows riders with lots of extra money, time, and poor taste to drink alcoholic beverages while using bicycle peddles at each seat to propel an open-air trolley through the streets of downtown at excruciatingly slow speeds, are said to have instigated a “turf war” with the Golf Karts, an alternative to taxis which have gained in popularity in recent years due to working for tips, late last year when a Golf Kart was cut off by a Peddle Tavern at the intersection of 2nd Avenue and Broadway. Sources indicate that the incident was exacerbated by the Peddle Tavern’s passengers singing “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough” in no discernible key at the time. In the nearly twelve months since that incident, retaliations between the two vehicle gangs have escalated from merely traveling inconveniently slow in front of one another into all-out war complete with mounting casualties.
“This morning, we found a Peddle Tavern that had been shot fifteen times at point blank range on the steps of the Ryman” revealed an anonymous source within the MNPD. “Witnesses at the time swear they saw a Lyft car do it, but we have reason to believe it was a Golf Kart simply dressed as a Lyft. It’s likely payback for the Kart that was found stabbed fifteen times in the tires just yesterday over in front of Tootsies. It’s madness, I tell ya’. Seeing all these Karts and Taverns going around, killin’ and such. Never thought I’d see the day.”
In a phone interview with The Rhinestone, Metro’s Chief of Police Steve Anderson noted his growing frustration at his officers’ inability to apprehend the culprits in any of the turf-war-related attacks thus far. “I’m truly at a loss as to why we haven’t caught any of these Peddle Taverns in the act yet. It’s not like they are able to make a quick getaway.” Meanwhile, Mayor-Elect Berry noted in her press release that the undeterred violence could begin to affect other modes of transportation in the city. “So far, thankfully, they’ve remained neutral, but I shudder to think what might happen if the conflict were to spill over and start involving taxis, B-cycles, or God help us, the MTA buses. That’s a dark future that I don’t even want to contemplate.”
When asked how he plans to respond to Berry’s call for a special task force, Chief Anderson noted “I don’t know exactly what it will end up looking like overall, but we’ll probably start by enlisting the aid of the Redneck Comedy Bus. It’s painted in camouflage, which could be invaluable in setting up surveillance and sting operations.”
Peddle tavern image found at http://www.hammacher.com/Product/Default.aspx?sku=12225.
Very entertaining…and great writing!
little known fact about pedal taverns – the pedals are just for show. underneath, there’s an electric motor doing all the real work. so it’s really just a big golf cart, too.
i bet that’s the real source of the beef.
Little known fact about the golf carts – the carts have a scurry of squirrels and chipmunks that are fed vegetables soaked in energy drinks powering it by running on a small, specialized treadmill. So it’s really just a big hamster wheel.
Everyone knows the horse carriages run this town.